I was gearing up to write another painful e-mail...to the crew here at Beams. It was going to begin...This feels vulnerable to say...but I'm blocked...I can't do it...Take me off Sacred Sundays...I am so sorry I failed.
When I was asked to be resident Sundays here, I was honoured...game...stoked. Sacred Sundays...hells yeah!
But then something happened. It's still happening. Right here in this moment. It's almost four am.
I am a writer. I am an artist. This is one part of my life's work. Beams is one platform I get to be included in. One of the values we're holding here at Beams is the value of practice and embodiment. That is, let's not just talk and write about stuff, let's live it. If I'm writing about evolving culture, I better be practicing, I better be engaging with myself and the culture around me in a way that pushes the edge of something new. If I am writing about the Sacred...I better be living it.
But then...my commitment to Sacred Sundays...well my friends, it became an assignment. A check mark on the 'to-do' list. An obligation. A task. Something to get through and get done. Sound familiar? Sound like life?
Last week there was no post. The week before, Bruce stepped in. Is this writer's block? I started telling myself that I just have too much other stuff going on, that I don't have time, that all my commitments make it difficult to tune in to what is needed to write something worthy of Sacred Sundays...
Which is of course...
Bullshit.
This is practice. This is tuning in. There are always other things. There is a vortex of tasks waiting at every corner to suck us in...a world of distraction. There is always difficulty and pain. There is always uncertainty and insecurity. I have a lot of practice brazenly doing what I feel called to do, irreverently expressing what I feel needs to be said. And yet, here I find myself...looking for an out...denying my calling...questioning my right to be here...my right to own this page.
But this...this is my life's work...right here...publicly and excruciatingly confronting what is between me and giving myself fully to my art. It strikes me how these edges are everywhere. Opportunities to lean in, where we're terrified to lean in, are begging for our devotion. There is sweetness and suffering in fully surrendering to what you know you must do.
It is painful to pursue a passion. It is painful to pursue life's art. It's easier to numb out, get busy, make excuses. Pursuing something that deeply matters to us is a lot more painful than pursuing something that doesn't. That's because it matters, which makes it risky...dangerous...vulnerable...sacred.
So on this Sacred day, as is every day...may we feel into the ways in which we want to make art out of our work and out of our lives. May we feel into the ways in which we distract and deny ourselves and may we lean in with courage and take another step.
