Death of an Ecologist

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Have you ever looked back at your life with new eyes, and seen a pattern running through your history? There's a crystallization that happens when something is seen for the first time, with a kind of clarity that prevents going back to 'not-seeing'. One must be prepared for such an experience, and perhaps in some ways we spend years preparing for that single moment of looking back, seeing a pattern, and allowing, or surrendering to a death of an old identity. This not a new story, yet it's one I've lived recently and I have to say, it's poignant.

grief
It began with some deep grief work I was doing, around past losses. As sometimes can happen with grief work, other feelings got mixed in. I had a case of despair. But despair for what? I couldn't think of anything in my life to despair about. Well, not right away. My attention turned to my PhD program and the despair became more acute. Was it the research question or the path itself that was at the root of these not-so-trivial feelings sweeping over me? They certainly had my attention. As I considered my research question, I realized that it had morphed, in one short year, away from my original intention.

Sometimes we laugh at PhD topics because the questions become grievously minute and difficult to comprehend. I now have great understanding for that process – as dictums of researching for novel contribution can mean narrowing and narrowing and then narrowing again. In this process, the heart of the topic can get lost beneath. How then to muster all the resources needed to go ahead? While this was a big realization, it also brought relief because a "fix" was in sight. I could go back to the drawing board. As I was only a year into my program, going back would be somewhat laborious, though not a total death.

tree hug
It wasn't long after my initial relief that another realization came about – my original topic no longer served me either. This change was a bigger deal – I no longer saw how it would ultimately be of service in the world. My topic was centered on how nature supports human health, particularly mental and emotional. I had attended a conference in the fall called "Healthy by Nature". It was quite a lovely conference that brought together health workers, community workers, researchers and parks people to look at ways of stopping "nature deficit disorder". We learned about ways that being in nature supports our bodies, hearts and minds in more ways we might have imagined (yet intuited) – chemically, psychologically and socially. Nature was an ideal drug – big hit, no addiction. I stood up at this conference and voiced my dedication to researching this field further. At that time, I thought I would look at how brain waves change when people spend time in nature. I thought that if I could show people how nature supports human health in very intrinsic ways, we could begin to introduce "humans" back in the environmentalist debate – we could preserve nature for nature's sake...and for human sake. I still feel that all of this is worthy and....

The realization came that was I was most deeply interested in was human mental and emotional health. Don't get me wrong – I am a concerned citizen for the planet. And I love being in nature, that is how the call to work in the environmental and sustainability field came, more than 20 years ago. Yet when I really considered what gave me most joy and energy, it was working on the human side of the equation. From that view, wouldn't it be more direct to actually work with human well-being, rather than prove that nature supports our well-being? In other words, a person can be unhealthy and unhappy on the inside, and spending time in nature will ease their suffering for a moment, yet in the long run, will it deeply affect change and ease suffering?

Then the watershed came. I began to look back at my life, and see an identity lurking there, beginning at about 20 years when I initially decided to study the natural sciences.

Since my undergraduate degree I have completely taken on the identity of someone who works in the environmental and sustainability fields. I have degrees and have worked in non-profit think tanks. I have tried in every way to link all my projects to this identity. I now see how many opportunities I didn't pick up because of a tight holding to this "way" of being in the world. It is who I was. Or so I thought.

A part of me felt like a traitor to my environmentalist self – how could I leave that camp? Without fully knowing the loss that would be incurred in letting go of this identity, I soon realized somewhat (to my horror) that a death was already taking place. All that was left to do was to surrender to it. If I tried breathing life back into this moribund identity, despair would creep back in. So, I began to surrender to the death process more fully. I knew I had surrendered more fully when, after sitting in meditation at a lake, I opened my eyes and saw that I had chosen to sit in front of the only dead tree on the beach. It was a slim riparian tree, black and lifeless. I hadn't noticed this when I sat down, only my pull to sit on that very rock.

dead tree

Death.

From that place of deep surrender, I began to rage against death. My loving partner sat and held me as I pounded a pillow with my fist and let out the rage. No, no...I yelled at the top of my lungs. I really yelled, until it was all out of my system. Then I cried. Then I sat up, and waited. I link this moment to the beginning of re-birth.

Who was I now – in this new place? I could only rest in not-knowing. For several days, I gathered information and felt into places of joy and happiness. I held back from grasping onto the next "thing" that came around. I spoke with friends. None of this was done alone, and I felt very held as my tender newborn skin began to feel sensations in a new way.

baby hands
One of the most surprising "newnesses" has been my emerging connection with nature. I have noticed a human quality to this connection, more as a caring, concerned citizen, and less as a practitioner. A veil has been lifted. There is a new quality of aliveness to my perception of nature. I wonder sometimes if, in all my efforts to "protect" nature, I was putting up a barrier to deeper experiences with the world around me.

As self-acceptance deepened, I began sleuthing for qualities and strengths that had been under utilized because of my fixed identity. This has led to greater freedom and flexibility around my sense of what I bring to the world. The new identity has not yet fully crystallized, and in some ways, I wouldn't mind staying in the unknown about it for quite a while longer. Not having to "claim" a field of work feels liberating. Yet there is also a stronger sense of what is "not" my interest – I asked myself today what I would have studied had I not gone into environmental science in my undergrad, and it was something like religious studies + business + creativity. Would I have chosen that then? Probably not. There's no going back and re-doing in from this place, and I'm ok with that fact.

In writing this blog, I do not wish the death of any ecologist, environmental or sustainability identities for those who are in their calling. This death of mine was simply a veil covering the deeper desire of my soul, held in place with beliefs about my purpose in life – leading to the creation of an identity that carried me forward for 20 years. It's remarkable, how this death of a self felt much like the death of a living being. It fought hard to the end, didn't want to go, and threatened me with losses all the way. Yet when it finally happened fully and completely, I was able to claim gifts that had been otherwise hidden, as well as experience a connection with the planet on a new level. I feel I understand the phrase better:

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. (Anaïs Nin)

budding flower

What hidden gifts might be waiting for you to claim in your life? The heroic mining of our inner treasures can take us on journeys of consequence as we may be called to loosen ties to those fixed parts of our identities.

And, how might we support those around us going through an ego death of some kind? What qualities can we hone and bring to those in our lives, such as compassion, unconditional acceptance, humour, and discernment.

--

Editors: Chela Davison, Bergen Vermette, Chris Dierkes

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18 comments

  • Comment Link Chris Dierkes Wednesday, 01 August 2012 20:48 posted by Chris Dierkes

    great piece Carissa. Your ecologist identity reminded me of something I heard Duane Elgin speak about once--true gifts versus near gifts. Near gifts he defined as those that many of us are good at and perhaps working in for an income, that are well intentioned (by and large), seeking to do good, but just somehow aren't quite us. The true gifts then being the deeper, truer calling we have in the world.

    I thought your reflection really beautifully captured, in very human terms, the struggle we can have to let go of our near gifts in order to live our true gifts.

  • Comment Link Tim Winton Thursday, 02 August 2012 03:09 posted by Tim Winton

    Carissa, this is a really touching and beautiful piece. It brought back plenty of feelings and memories from the death of my own environmental self, or at least that self that identified pretty much exclusively with an environmental view. I found the second person aspect of this transition harder than the first person bit. When I was ready to move on, I kinda just moved on, but for some of the folks around me I think it was harder. I felt misunderstood and excluded–like I was some sort of traitor. I still get that subtle your-not-one-of-us-anymore vibe from people I used to hang out with in my deeper green days. It still hurts too. Thanks for sharing your story.

    Tim

  • Comment Link Carissa Wieler Thursday, 02 August 2012 14:50 posted by Carissa Wieler

    Hi Chris,

    Yes, the thought occurred to me during this process that it feels worse to be on a semi-comfortable path doing a mediocre job than aligning with my calling with the chance to do something excellent in the way I would do it. Still to admit to oneself that one is on a path of mediocre yet 'safe' work can feel like a radical truth telling. I recall reading David Whyte's "The Three Marriages" and "seeing the light" in some ways that our relationship with ourselves, our partners and our work can each constitute a type of marriage. Just as I wouldn't want to settle for a mediocre marriage or a mediocre relationship with myself, why would I want to do this with work? Yet when the work identity feels so fixed, it can be hard to see even that that is what is happening.

    Tim, thanks for your thoughts also. Interesting isn't it, that it's the 2p that can be the stress and worry sometimes even when the 1p has clarity. I recall, when in the very early and tender times of this transition that there were very few people I was talking to about it. Mainly 3 people who I could trust to offer me different perspectives in a way that was also supporting whatever I was needing to go through (ie not attached). I also spent time reading an old book I found in a used book store called Love and the Soul: Creating a Future for the Earth by Robert Sardello (1995). It was so radically different than what I had been reading yet so resonated that the book kind of held me through the process. A kind of 2p holding space!

  • Comment Link Amy Jean Cousins Thursday, 02 August 2012 19:28 posted by Amy Jean Cousins

    Carissa,

    Wow. I feel like we have much to talk about when I get back:) I'm moved by your honesty here -I think mostly because I know how deep this sense of self-identification goes, and can relate to identifying as an "environmentalist" and all that goes along with that (low income, long hours... etc.)

    What I see here is perhaps more a *transformation* of an ecologist, and the death of an old self. Ecology is a funny word now a days, being used for many things, but I feel like what you've described is a deepening of your ecology with nature -your interconnectedness and sense of belonging or "home".

    To me this is beautiful. I love what you said here,

    "I wonder sometimes if, in all my efforts to "protect" nature, I was putting up a barrier to deeper experiences with the world around me."

    Thank you for doing your work in this world.

    See you in a few months,
    Love Amy

  • Comment Link Carissa Wieler Friday, 03 August 2012 19:41 posted by Carissa Wieler

    Dear Amy,

    Thank you for your kind words. Yes, much to catch up on!!

    Hmmm...it's an interesting thing. In the middle of the death / transformation process, there was a sense of unknown about what was actually dying. It felt like a total death of my professional ecology-minded self and I let that be. It is now that I'm starting to see what remains and 'who' is emerging.

    And now I can say yes! this is also deepening of my ecological self.

    It's a wonderful feeling when a veil lifts even though there can also be a moment of embarrassment - "oh my God, I was walking around wearing that?" And still, I believe it is our birthright for our transformations to happen when and as they do.

    Hugs,
    Carissa

  • Comment Link Emily Levang Friday, 03 August 2012 22:07 posted by Emily Levang

    Hi Carissa,

    This is beautiful. I love that you listened to the despair and followed it and let it guide you deeper. And I love your commitment to facing the truth even when it allows for death.

    What you've shared causes me to reflect more deeply on my own life and where I'm holding onto certain identities... and this is actually a mini death for me too because you've been my connection to the ecology field. Identification by proxy!

    And at the same time, I experience you going deeper into ecology in a new way, as others have said. This feels totally liberating to me. I love the newborn feeling of newness and unknown, and totally trust whatever emerges from you going forward. I keep wanting to through a party for you!

    Love you,
    Emily

  • Comment Link R. Michael Fisher Wednesday, 08 August 2012 18:40 posted by R. Michael Fisher

    Clarissa, great to hear this part of your journey and know you are working on healing, what I think are core themes for a lot of people, myself, and many whom I have witnessed, and wit(h)nessed as a therapist over the years.

    The few themes that I am rigorously studying myself are those expressed below in a rather awkward and brief way, yet perhaps they'll add to this dialogue on what we could call "transformation" of one kind or another.

    First, the Eco Camp vs. Ego Camp (Wilber's-IV ontopsychosocialpoliticalspiritual) integration process (mega-discourse of integral theory of development) which I detect (perhaps) underlying your words:

    - linking to death: "how could I leave that camp?" "letting go of this identity" and "surrender to it"

    - I like Amy's comment that attracts my attention too (re: your 20 yrs. commitment and identity formation to: "protect" nature... (questioning yourself in retrospect since the transformation) was I "putting up a barrier to deeper experiences" being so ECO-oriented (perhaps, out-of-balance and/or denying) and needing a recalibration of EGO-oriented growth and perspective

    -as an integral fearologist, theoretically, returning to Wilber-IV, there is a 'fear'-based structure to the denied and dissociated Camps (internal and external), for ECO Camp Phobos begins to rule; for EGO Camp Thanatos begins to rule-- either way, it feeds the 'Fear' Matrix... it becomes a lop-sided path on the journey in one Camp or the other—it starts to heat because of its own "knot" (i.e., with all the symptoms of concern to "protect" something which turns into chronic worry, anxiety, grief, despair -- the 'fear' patterning as I call it)-- a "wounding" unhealed and justified by the righteous (and judgmental) mind (I'm thinking of Green v-meme or Teal-tendencies as Beck and Wilber, respectively, would likely)--

    Second, my concern (hopefully not a 'fear'-based worry) is that the ECO Camp and EGO Camp are still not (well, barely) talking to each other and that goes back to my 1970s-90s experiences as an activist treading in and out of each of these camps and never satisfied they were "listening" and "learning" much from each other—there was far too much "protection" racquet games performing on both sides; what was integration was lost in that conflict (battle, as Wilber says is 2000 yrs old), is the diminishment of existential capacity/intelligence (i.e., how do we deal with the fear, individually and collectively when we know so much about the world's crises and suffering)... a big topic...

    Third, to listen to Carissa's testimony in following her intuitions (and pains), to meeting her barriers, and pondering it all— yes, the death and re-birth theme is obvious and beautiful, and yet, my other interest is in the process of healing and its most fundamental (rather simple) dynamics:
    - my loving partner sat and held me as I pounded... yelled.... Then I cried" -- linking to re-birth

    My long experience in peer-counseling work and transformation processes that come due to healing unhealed painful memories and non-integrative "knots"-- as part of development-- validate that it takes at least one other unconditional loving human being (Carissa's partner in this case) to non-judgementally witness and support the discharging of fear (call it distress, worry, concern, grief, etc.)-- and the release ("re-birth") of a freshness because the knot(s) loosen, if not untie themselves, and one's identity with that loosening, and untying.

    I'm taken with Carissa and her partner's knowing and intelligence to go where they have. Thank you. -Michael

  • Comment Link R. Michael Fisher Thursday, 09 August 2012 00:44 posted by R. Michael Fisher

    Carissa
    Note: The word "healing" is not in the Index of "Integral Ecology" (Esbjorn-Hargens & Zimmerman, 2009)... still seems there's a gap... and with your new position as Exec. Director of Integral Ecology, with MetaIntegral, you can perhaps help bring this perspective to some fruits.

    p.s. sorry for not spelling your name correct the first time above

    -Michael

  • Comment Link David MacLeod Friday, 10 August 2012 04:29 posted by David MacLeod

    Carissa,
    Thank you for sharing your process through this transition. I am reminded of a transition I underwent a number of years ago where I let go of some important and closely guarded beliefs, as well as numerous relationships that went along with that identity. A very difficult process, but a very important growing opportunity. Someone once said, "if you never change what you think, it probably means you are no longer thinking."

    I'm curious if there were any changes of belief for you around the value of ecology work, or what ecology work does or should entail?

    You told us you are still a concerned citizen of the planet, and you still love being in nature. And you seem to indicate that this is about a career choice - "a field of work."

    I'm wondering if there are other factors involved beyond just hearing a different calling. For example, a resonance with Shellenberger and Nordhaus around "The Death of Environmentalism" (http://www.thebreakthrough.org/PDF/Death_of_Environmentalism.pdf), or, on the other side of the aisle, Paul Kingsnorth and his "Confessions of a Recovering Environmentalist" (www.orionmagazine.org/index.php/articles/article/6599/)?

    I guess for me, the part I'm not connecting very well with is the thought that if I don't do something as a career, then it means it is not part of my identity. I have never been a 'career' person - I work at "a job" to pay bills, and my passions are what I do in my 'free' time.

  • Comment Link Carissa Wieler Friday, 10 August 2012 19:55 posted by Carissa Wieler

    Dear Emily,

    Such a steady stream of support from you! Thank you for being present to this journey with your unique ‘listening’ and appreciation of ‘truth-facing’.
    Perhaps we are in times of midwifing new possibilities for the planet, and letting go of old beliefs and patterns even if it seems very risky to some parts of us.

    Much Love, Carissa


    Dear Michael,

    Your comments provide many interesting departure points.

    In terms of Eco and Ego camp, it is probably true to say that on some level I was referring to Eco camp (in terms of feeling like a traitor). And I realize that there are many shades of Eco (and many ontologies of Eco). Now that I have had more space to reflect, my re-telling now says that the death was of a false link between meaningful work in the world (for me) with doing work that directly connected to “environmentalism”. You could say that at my particular stage in life, I’m in a process of loosening of my identification with “my work” as a separate construct, and moving towards connecting with the deeper impulses of my calling.

    Am wondering if you can say more about thanatos and phobos in this context. I notice that this is an area towards which you have spend some considerable thought (i.e. The Flatland and Fearlessness Teachings of Ken Wilber, 2011), and am struggling to see a connection between the death I experienced and either of those. It feels more transformative than disconnecting from communion (Ego-phobos) and dissolution from a high state (Ego-thanatos). But it is possible that I’m missing your cue or am overly self focused here.

    Your description of the knot does resonate, particularly that there are unhealed wounded parts called for release. Perhaps like a trauma release? A teacher once said ‘we can only see our levels ones we have gone beyond them (i.e. in the past) as a “knife can’t cut itself”. As I now inhabit my being from a new place, this shift does have a developmental “trailing”…though I wouldn’t limit it only to that. The depth of my experience of grief connects to past grief not fully grieved. So in some ways the catalyst of this shift also resulted in the release of past traumas.

    In terms of the ability of Eco and Ego camps to address fear and loss, and difficult emotions, I would definitely agree. So much gets projected and protected as we look around our world, breath the air, feel the heat, and know that in some ways we live in a bubble of human engineering – with our resources diminishing, altering, dying. We also live in a wilderness we barely understand. Yet when one speaks of the inner life, of working through difficult emotions in community, of opening to possibility and creativity, there’s a resistance, as if doing the inner work isn’t enough. Yet this division of “inner life” and “outer life” starts to fall away at some point, and there’s a sense that it is precisely the selves we bring to our dialogue with the outer work that are creating and experiencing injury. I wonder if, when one is coming from a place of Joy, whether it is easier to love one’s environment, to care for it and be discerning. To connect deeply to the resonate streams of life running through the world around us. To see manifestation of nature, wild things and built things as expressions of an evolving Divine – perfect and imperfect both.

    And yes, every key moment in this process was triggered, digested, understood, and tended to in the presence of another – whether a person or sense of Other to whom I looked for support (as my spiritual practices tend to be 2p). They say it takes courage to cry in front of another person, yet I secretly wonder if we long to do this for the way it can support us and help us shift. I believe grief is meant to be expressed through relationship, as grief has connections to relationship and loss of attachments.

    How specifically this will land with my work in the Integral Ecology Center is a bit of a mystery still. There is a kind of fragility in birthing a new place in one’s world – and a need to buffer for a while, to investigate and stay curious – asking inwardly and outwardly for cues and clues to steps. Nudge recieved ☺

  • Comment Link R. Michael Fisher Sunday, 12 August 2012 00:22 posted by R. Michael Fisher

    Carissa,
    First of all, thanks for the considered responses which has got me looking more closely at some things we're talking about here and I get back soon on a response. For the moment, I want to correct the error in my first response (should read) "ECO Camp Thanatos begins to rule; for EGO Camp Phobos begins to rule"-- crucial error, now correct to Wilber (1995), Sex, Ecology and Spirituality (i.e., Wilber-IV).
    -M.

  • Comment Link R. Michael Fisher Sunday, 12 August 2012 15:27 posted by R. Michael Fisher

    Carissa, thanks for the invitation to go further, as you say re: Phobos and Thanatos (as 'fear' patterns of the Wilberian kosmology, see Sex, Ecology & Spirituality, 1995), related to your death-rebirth experience.

    First, I'm thinking you may be "overly self focused here" (your words) ("personal journey" but that's likely because it would be a first concern for most people in your shoes. It takes time to step-back and integrate such transformative learning experiences and try out 3p perspectives as I am with the snooping for the discourse and action of Phobos and/or Thanatos as influencing your experience and directions.

    To be less technical for the moment, I'd bluntly suggest your experience (the event) can be folded into a location of conflict. Your first professional degree in Natural Resources, then you work in that field for many years, then you do a JFKU grad degree with integralist mentors and it is in Integral Psychology. There's the tension, and I'd guess conflict much deeper. Natural Resources = largely ECO camp, and Integral Psychology = largely EGO camp. And of course, working with people like Sean Esjborn-Hargens a prime leader in the Integral Ecology discipline as well, you were seeing the possibilities of the ECO-EGO integration (e.g., the text Integral Ecology being the splendid theory for it all, with some real examples). Yet, my guess is the lag-time of your ECO world-identity and sociological if not ontological commitments were weighing and the cognitive jump into "integral" (and above) was faster than you could digest.

    More technically, what I am speaking to, not trying to represent you or your experience as I know so little of it, is the prediction theoretically that the dualism (and Cartesian anxiety, Flatland Green spiritual and Orange scientific holism) of the Natural Resource field and development work was starting to "get to you." I'm not sure what that could mean for you and your past, but it is surely all about fear ('fear') at some level. Dualism is about fear ('fear') and the 2000 yr. battle Wilber addresses of ECO vs. EGO is one where the conflict is a warzone, and we are all deeply terrorized by it, if not the kosmos itself (even despite the nondual standpoint of no fear, non-dual absolute perspective). ECO camp is a flatland ideology (flatlandism, as Wilber says), and that isn't easy to swallow when one is desiring and ready for a vertical shift--transformation--along the spectrum of consciousness and worldspaces of cultural embrace of more of the 'Other.' You must have been readying to hit the 'heat' (knot) of that 2000 yr. battle. My guess is, it is still there, despite your healing and transformations already. It is a vulnerable zone and tears are deep as ideologies (ECO and EGO) pull hard. Your euphemism, I suspect for this is "feeling like a traitor"-- well, my sense is it is more than a feeling and repercussions are more than we can predict when we pull out of an ideology (especially 20 years). The discourse of "loosening of my identification with 'my work' as a separate construct, and moving towards connecting with the deeper impulses of my calling" is useful no doubt, yet, I think it is personal and not yet integrated with the kind of discourse conflict I am speaking to, in ever so general terms.

    Maybe this is helpful. I look forward to other thoughts from anyone too. Yes, I am glad you are reading my paper "The Flatland and Fearlessness Teachings of Ken Wilber, 2011) (available at bottom of page on my research website, go to http://csiie.org/mod/page/view.php?id=3) and note, I just put a revised version of it there which I recommend and not use the old one. I harp on the point that integralists of any stripes need to really look at discourse(s) and as Foucault called Discourse(s) as moving through history and evolution for that matter, and how they can "become us" (we as their agents) if we are not critically-attuned and studying how those discourses really impact so much of our life and the world.

    And it is to your credit I think, you are in this process of "Death of the Ecologist" (1p) working out and through (perhaps) "Death of Flatland-ECO Style" (3p)--and really looking to bring Integral Psychology into your work and life as "calling." What's calling is likely the Big Integration (Healing), Conflict Resolution and Transformation of ECO-EGO, and the theory is that THANATOS-PHOBOS will be there playing out, motivating, and manipulating the dynamics, more or less. After that, it all gets very complex, and I think my 2011 paper can be useful.

    p.s. In Integral Ecology text (2009) there are two mentions of "healing" with no development and the rest of its appearances is in the books and articles they cite.

    -Michael

  • Comment Link R. Michael Fisher Monday, 13 August 2012 13:06 posted by R. Michael Fisher

    Oh, just thought to look up Phobos and Thanatos (3p on fear or what I call 'fear') and Integral Ecology (2009) text doesn't mention them... interesting... and Michael Zimmerman (co-author of that book) actually reviewed my ms. "Thanatos and Phobos: 'Fear' and its Role in Ken Wilber's Transpersonal Theory" (1997), which did not get published by J. of Transpersonal Psychology way back... long story; and I guess Zimmerman forgot about including something on it, although it is good to see the Integral Ecology text does have several discussions that include "fear" (1p, some 2p) and perhaps most germane to your personal story Carissa is the apt quote from Sean and Michael in that book:

    "To escape ecological destruction, a genuinely postmodern humanity must overcome its fear of authentic psychological development and interiority, since those alone can integrate what modernity has dissociated." (p. 33)

    Echoing that, and taking it more to a 3p perspective on 'fear', I would say similar to above and what we must overcome is (as Robert Master's puts it) "The-Fear" (not just I-Fear, and We-Fear) that circulates in a culture wars battle 2000+ years, as Wilber-IV argues not just the dissociating aspects of modernity, as Sean and Michael claim. Integral Ecology can do well, I think, to expand its embrace of the 'ecological disaster' of Phobos dissociated from Eros and Thanatos dissociated from Agape-- and well, as Wilber says and others, that's were to look for "evil" at the 3p 'fear' discourse shaping our lives and world. And yes, that's why fearlessness is such an important conception in many premodern, modern and postmodern writing albeit, an integral fearlessness theory and practice is still awaiting.

    -Michael

  • Comment Link R. Michael Fisher Monday, 13 August 2012 13:25 posted by R. Michael Fisher

    Oh, to not be missed, the multi-causal dissociations I just mentioned lead to Eros dissociated from Agape, and in the Wilberian kosmology that's Love dissociated from itself-- sort of like Spirit, still in the process (always will be) of integrating, dissociating, re-integrating, re-dissociating-- Love and Fear playing out this cycle dance of growth, healing, transformation and well, each learning from the other, at least from an integral perspective, and from a nondual perspective that kosmology may be rendered differently I acknowledge.

    -Michael

  • Comment Link Carissa Wieler Tuesday, 14 August 2012 20:31 posted by Carissa Wieler

    Hi David,

    I am concerned a little that my response won’t be satisfactory to your questions. And I love that you posted them, thanks!

    From where I sit right now, I’m not spending much thought energy on opinions about environmental movements, sustainability, working in ecology and so on. It’s not that I don’t care. It’s just that the eco-world exists in many forms, and many people are doing good work that they believe in. I am not opposed to joining forces sometimes either. The other week I did something a little radical given this transition and stood in an anti-off shore oil protest. I felt very liberated to stand in this protest and to speak on the news and explain the line I had drawn in the sand (this was at a beach in Kelowna) saying “no” to of shore oil and “yes” to renewable energy. When the protest was done I went about my day. If the protest had been a human rights issue, I likely would have stepped in as easily. That I would say is the shift – being free from being tied to a specific cause, so I can step in if I feel called.

    Thank you for the two articles you posted. They were both interesting and when I felt into it, they didn’t really represent a continuum within which I would place myself. It’s hard to explain. I’m not interested in changing the movement. I want to be able to move in and out of it, stand for things, and appreciate the shifts that are being made. This all may sound ambiguous, yet there is a clarity, and for me, a greater ease of movement to be able to “jump in”.

    In terms of having a day job and cultivating one’s passions or calling at home versus making it a career, I too have been grappling with this. Bills have to be paid. Right now it’s a continuum, from having the day job to eventually being able to earn money doing what I love to do and what comes easily and of contribution, based on feedback from inside and outside. In my view, the first choice is to begin exploring what is one’s passion, contribution, calling…and then to begin to incorporate it every day in some small way. And if there is no sense of calling or purpose, an interesting question might be, “what do you love” – and be willing to answer – free of judgment and shame. Seeds of a deeper call might be found there, in what is most easy to love about life, others and the world.

    Does this speak to you? Or mostly anti-intellectual rambling?

    Carissa

  • Comment Link Carissa Wieler Tuesday, 14 August 2012 20:47 posted by Carissa Wieler

    Dear Michael,

    What speaks to me most are your thoughts here on a tension between Eco- and Ego- camps. I think you nailed it when you said that I was drawn to go into Integral Psychology after having been working in sustainability (and Eco flatness - though the organizations I worked for had quite a bit of capacity for higher order complexity). My core intention of entering the Integral Psych program was to somehow bring interiority to the sustainability movement. Something that I felt was dearly missing. I thought a culture of self- reflection and intersubjective awareness would deeply serve the movement. In hindsight, that intention brought me all the way through to the other side, of connecting to interiority deeply. The world now looks different. The desire to integrate the Eco and Ego camps feels less prominent (though you suggest it is still there, and it may be on some level). The experience is more of a freedom of movement between them perhaps and with less identification. It would, for example, be very juicy to contemplate the interiority of the Kosmos.

    Your thoughts will continue to percolate. This seems to be an area of much passion for you, and it’s exciting to feel your energy around it. I wonder, as a fearologist you might have given some thought to what arises in the absence of fear –

    Warmly, Carissa

  • Comment Link R. Michael Fisher Wednesday, 15 August 2012 12:01 posted by R. Michael Fisher

    Carissa wrote (above):

    "it’s exciting to feel your energy around it. I wonder, as a fearologist you might have given some thought to what arises in the absence of fear – ".

    And, likewise, it is exciting to engage your excitement and wonder, as well as your (in my opinion) very sensitive attuned intelligence in a multiplicity of modalities in this dialogue. Of course, as limited as it is in cyberworld and we have never met. I do get your relational (2p) adeptness, as you've mentioned previously in "Death of an Ecologist" it as your practice of choice.

    I sense a Carissian spark afoot in your last comment above with the open - left seeking and wondering but no doubt more than wondering. The spark seems wanting to light up (or lighten-up) from fear to absence of fear, in a dualistic sounding (though, not necessarily) overtone due to perhaps too much undertone in the prior dialogue with me and integral fearology.

    I'm seduced easily to pursue the invitation to share more of my research (absorption in the heuristic sense of methodology, a la integral) to respond to your query as to my engagement in "what arises in the absence of fear." I take the spark for the change, the jump, the excitement and I am drawn to your opening lines on the topic of reflection on what we as inquirers are learning. I refer to your opening lines in a chapter "Embodying Integral Education in Five Dimensions" (in the ed. vol. by Esbjorn-Hargens, Reams, Gunnlaugson, 2010), where you wrote (and I so resonate as a prairie boy-naturalist myself):

    "Reflecting on my experience as a student [at JFKU Integral Psychology Program] while immersed in a program feels like basking in a nutrient-rich prairie lake while tracing riparian edges of the landscape. Immediate experience is coupled with objective views, near and far. And as with any study of the natural environment, what is looked at, how it is seen, and who the seer is all contribute to the art and science of understanding the natural world."(p. 289)

    I am suggesting some co-inquiry on your query "what arises in the absence of fear" and/or not. I could simply go on and respond more didactically. It seems it would be much more fun for you to inspect the spark (with me) and see if you can do so with some of the immersion (five dimensions) you spoke to in the quote and the chapter--a powerful set of tools for inquiry. Then I'd join in after I see what you come up with in regard to you responding first to your own wondering "what arises in the absence of fear".

    To consider. I'll await. Oh, and if you were to read your quote over again and admittedly agree you are talking about "ecology" as the field or domain of study (including natural environment), then I would share for me it is exactly similar in my study of "fearology" as the field or domain of study. Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of following in the foot-steps of those who became before me who established and legitimated the field, as with ecology and so fearology is more at-risk you could say for its own disappearance in a spark, really, that's what it feels like for me at times.

    until later,
    Michael
    p.s. what are you studying and in what dept. and faculty (supervisor?) in your current Ph.D. at UBC? (my alma mater in Faculty of Education)

    Reference:
    Wieler, C. (2010). Embodying integral education in five dimensions. In S. Ebjorn-Hargens, J. Reams, and O. Gunnlaugson (Eds.), Integral education: New directions for higher learning (pp. 289-301). Albany, NY: SUNY Press.

  • Comment Link R. Michael Fisher Saturday, 18 August 2012 12:53 posted by R. Michael Fisher

    Carissa and all interested, I just finished a lengthy article simply entitled "Love and Fear" which I think may be a good resource base in the future for conversations with the depth we are having, or anywhere really as people are attempting to self-reflect critically on how they perceive and enact that relationship. Here's a sneak preview of the Abstract for that paper (link is below as well for those who wish a free pdf of the full paper).

    Abstract: If the transpersonal psychotherapist Frances Vaughan is right, and I think she is, "The spiritual journey does lead us from fear to love"—more or less quickly, and more or less successfully for some than others, and at the same time the Kosmos itself is going through the same growing pains, as may one's culture and humanity itself. Integral psychotherapist Robert Masters argues that "spiritual bypassing" is a disaster of our times because of this negative "lower" status association with doing shadow work. What Ken Wilber (and many other writers in the paper) have shown is that Shadow may not just be lower at all, but also Higher, and more accurate to Wilber's view, it is both Phobos (higher shadow = Ascending shadow) and Thanatos (lower shadow, = Descending shadow). A book could be written, a play, a movie, a song, on the Troubles and Tribulations of the Kosmic Couple (Love and Fear) and their affairs. This paper, however, is first systematic collection of many voices, popular and scholarly, sacred and secular, that draw our attention to Love and Fear (or Love vs. Fear) and their potential impact and future. -RMF


    http://csiie.org/mod/page/view.php?id=3

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